A detailed view of living my life without my mother for the first year
Well, it is safe to say that it has been quite a while since I have gotten the chance to write. My daughter has been really sick the past week, so obviously, I was covered in both snot and throw up. It was SUPER FUN! NOT!!!!!! My apologies for the long lull between posts on my part. I am still learning how to balance my life now that my husband and I, have added our daughter Rylie to the mix. Most days feel like they are 1,000 hours long, but I somehow still have trouble finding time in the day to do normal things. You know like, laundry, wash dishes, clean the house, and pretty much everything else that requires me to be organized and follow a schedule. I, honestly do not know why I am surprised, back in my single ladies days, I was still a cluster fuck of procrastination and disorganization anyway. Now, I just find that not only am I aware of it, but now my husband and in-laws are in on the lil secret. OMG! You think it’s a pain in the ass to get your toddler to keep their diaper and clothes on when trying to get it all together to leave the house? Try dealing with that crazy insanity, while listening to your mother-in-law tell you all about her days as a young mother. Everytime I have an issue with getting the baby ready to go out of the house, my mother-in-law some how just appears like a ninja, out of no where, and takes it upon herself to tell me about how she managed to do it with 2 kids, no help, no family, no babysitters, and no father. Ummmm yeeeeahhhh, THANKS for that helpful speech while I am chasing a half-naked baby, diaper hanging off, and poop in said diaper. If I didn’t want to throat punch her before that, I most certainly want too after I hear that for the millionth time. What I really want to say to her is, “Thanks so much for that information, that LITERALLY DOES NOTHING TO HELP ME IN THIS OR VIRTUALLY ANY SITUATION.” Fortunally for her, my baby girl LOVES HER. Honestly, I gotta say, if that was not the case I would see quite A LOT LESS of her.
After my little tangent, I would now like to get back to my day, and how it started off badly before I even decided to open my eyes. You see, my father passed away on April 2, 1985 when I was almost 4. Worse than that, My mother, who passed away last April 26th has a birthday in 3 days from now, April 5th. To put it VERY mildly, this next month is gonna be a complete and utter mess of emotions for me. Thank God, I have my family to be here with me through it all, however, I am not sure that will make all that much of a difference. My daughter is 100% the light of my life, she keeps me moving, even when I want to call it quits, run in my room, throw on sweats, and lay in bed watching my new binge show, Veep, I do not have that luxury. I have a 2-year-old lil baby girl running around half-naked, no diaper, and let us not forget the poop that was in the diaper. She is extremely funny, she makes me laugh so hard. Unfortunately, as funny as she is, as much as I love her, love my husband, and love my life, NOTHING can quite take away that underlying pain and depression. Losing my mother, has made me realize that life is short, it flies by in the blink of an eye, and I do not want to spend the rest of my time here on this earth, holding onto pain and hurt, which only in turn makes me EXTREMELY ANGRY. I want to be able to enjoy the many blessings that I have been so graciously given. A little more than 3 years ago, I was lost and alone, I was addicted to heroin and my life was me, walking around as a shell of a human being, who hated who she was. Today, I am grateful and BLESSED to say that, I am definitely not that person anymore. These days, I am all about living life, doing new and amazing things, becoming the woman I was ALWAYS meant to be. I have a long way to go, but at least I am not where I used to be. Just a short 3 1/2 years later I am, a mother, a wife, a sister, a friend, and someone, I can look at in the mirror and love. I no longer walk around with my head constantly staring at my feet because I was too ashamed of who I had become to look other folks in the eyes. I am extremely proud to say that as of recently, I have learned that I was suffering from an actual disease. I am able to walk with my head held high, look others in the eyes, and am not at all embarrassed of the woman I have grown into or the woman I was. I did not know any better, I thought I was having fun, I wasn’t, however, the best part of all of this is, that this new life journey has only just begun. I still have a long way to go to be the woman, I am ultimately striving to become, but at least I know that, as long as I continue on this road, I will only get more confident and succesful at whatever I choose to commit too and put my 100% commitment into. I will, without a doubt, not stop until I am the wife, mother, sister, friend, and professional that I want to be.
When I decide to sit and write, I never ever know what will actually come out of mind onto this screen, however, I am without a doubt ecstatic about publishing this one. I hope whoever decides to read this knows that anyone can do or be anything in this world that they decide to be. Never let anyone tell you that you ar not good enough, smart enough, focused enough; that you are too old, too young, or just totally incapable of achieving ANYTHING you want too. Take it from this reformed Junkie and piece of crap, if you REALLY WANT IT, ANYTHING, it IS POSSIBLE! Will be back tomorrow. I promise, not only to my readers, but also to myself, that I will do whatever needs to be done in order to get these posts out on a daily or bi-daily basis.
Just a note…I do not mean to offend anyone in my blog. If I offended anyone, I truly apologize and hope you get the joke. Nothing but love for you.
Hello, all the people who are amazing enough to read this. This one is for all of the people who believe in me enough to read me, this one is for you exclusively. So, as I began this journey of writing, it all really was just such a joke to me. I mean really, I …