It has been said that I tend to start lots of things, but I never finish them. Here’s to a new Year where I keep my promise to myself to write as much as possible.
<p>First off, let me apologize for my EXTREMELY long hiatus. I promised myself that I would spend as much time as I possibly could writing about my life as a mother, wife, stay at home mom, the loss of my mother and best friend, my insane 2 year old, and mostly just letting out here, all of the things in my head that, if I ever actually spoke out loud to an actual person in my life, they would either never understand and choose to not speak to me anymore, or my personal favorite, making it their life mission, to talk to whoever they could about me behind my back. I have been gone for quite some time and I could get into a bunch of bullshit reasons why, or I could just be honest and say, the reason I have not written is just plain old fashion laziness. I decided when I started this Blog that I would pour my heart and soul into it, but since I have started, things have <em>obviously</em> not gone the way I had planned. I wanted to start a Blog that meant something, I wanted to start something that was worth reading to others. I admit, I had quite the slow start. With this, like many other things in my life, I started like gangbusters. Writing as much as I could, thinking day and night about what I could write about next, but it fizzled out. I chose to listen to the opinion of a few people who told me, that this is not a job and it never could be and I allowed it to get into my head and slowly let it fester inside, to the point where I had lost my confidence in what I had started out to do. Since then, I realize that whether it gets read, or people decide to love it or hate it, I have things to say and I am going to say them. For my entire life, I allowed other people to have such a profound effect on me. I was always worried if people would like me and spent much of my time devoted to making sure they did. At this point in my life I could really give a shit less what anyone thinks of me, apart from my husband and child. If there are people out there who choose to read this and love it, GREAT, but if not, that truly is their problem and not mine. All I can do is be true to myself and write the things, that I’m going through, have been through, the thoughts on my mind, what I feel that particular day and moment, and just put it out there for the world to see. I guess you can say that it has a lot to do with growing up. Even though I am 38 years young, I had a slow start in becoming someone that could wake up in the morning and get shit done. Let’s just say ADULTING was not my strong suit. As I enter this part of my life, I have started to love myself and who I am as a person. I chose to change the dialogue in my head that told me, I was no good, I would never be anything, I am just a waste of space, to a much more loving and caring dialogue that tells me, I am good enough, I always was, but I had a large part of my life put on hold because I chose to become a heroin addict, that only gave a shit about myself and how I would and could get another one. Being clean and sober for over 4 years now, I realize that, those years were not for nothing! They prepared me to become the AMAZING and beautiful woman I am today, and that woman is going to write because it is what I love to do. </p>
<p>If you have read my previous Blogs, you know that I have not had the easiest of lives, I’ve battled addiction, a REALLY crazy upbringing, the loss of too many people to count, from either death, the cutting off of friendships due to my horrible decision making, finding love and losing it, finding it again, and all I could do was hold on to today, because in life that is really all that we have, right now, this moment and all the moments to come. I cannot dwell on the past, how unfair i thought I had it, or what might happen tomorrow. All any of us has is right here, right now, and I plan to try and make the rest of my time here worth something to me because, I am worth something to me today. I could not always say that, I spent much of my life a scared little girl, who was afraid to grow up and deal with life, no matter how that life was going to play out. I realize now that none of that matters. I guess you can say, i learned to love myself, the good, the bad, and the ugly. I make no excuses for the decisions that I have made, or the way I chose to live my life because in the end, it was me who made those decisions and noting I do or ever do could change the past. Have I spent years trying to overcome those decisions? The answer is yes, yes I have and now, I finally feel free, I feel free to be the woman that is sitting here today writing this, a beautiful, loving, loyal, caring, empathetic soul that just wants to show others that NO MATTER what you do in life, there is always a restart button. At any time, any of us could choose to press that restart button in our heads and begin to live a life that is worth it because it doesn’t matter who you are, what you have done, how bad you think it is. Any one of us can change that reflection in the mirror that looks back at us and tells us we are no good and never will be and make it the image of yourself that chooses to look back at yourself and love yourself just the way you are, imperfections and all. Society can make us believe the most horrific things, like we are not where we are supposed to be, or that we do not belong because we have made some mistakes, but that could not be further from the truth. Our lives are our responsibility. We can choose to keep going and being a person who cannot look themselves in the mirror, or we can make that insanely important decision, to dust ourselves off, wipe away those tears, and change the narrative of our very own lives. I am not saying for one minute that it is easy, or that it does not take a great amount of fortitude to keep pushing even when we think that we cannot possibly push for one more second. Nothing worth anything is ever easy, if it were everyone would do it. Just this week, I heard of 3 people that either, I knew, or my husband knew, that died because they did not understand that no matter what we do in life there is a chance for redemption. Two of our friends died of drug overdoses and one hung himself because he could not stop using drugs. The society we are living in today is scary. The opioid epidemic is serious, VERY SERIOUS. It has killed more people since it started than were killed in car crashes, by H.I.V., and gun violence AT THEIR PEAKS! Not since World War II has the life expectancy fallen by 4 months and that has just happened in the past 3 years. The cause of this absurd pattern change is the amount of overdose deaths for adults under 55. If there is any time where we need to know that change is possible, IT IS NOW! I have watched the 12-step fellowship I attend get younger and younger and younger since 2013. When I entered the room of my choice of fellowship, I used to be one of the youngest people there. Now when I walk in the door, I am one of the oldest people there and that is not because I have gotten older, it is because the people coming in continue to get younger every day. It is sad and horrible, but it is a fact. I would love to see a world where the leading cause of deaths in this Country is no longer due to drug overdoses. I would love to live long enough to see this narrative change. We are dying out there and instead of it scaring addicts, it seems to just be making more of us. </p>
<p>I do not want to depress my readers, but I want to educate them on what is going on out there. Men, women, teenagers, seniors, and everything in between is caught up in this cycle. If you are not an addict, I hope I can shed some light on the insanity that is going on in this country and the fact that over 130 Americans die every day as a result of this disease. </p>
<p>Either way, I am going to be here blogging away about this epidemic, my experiences as a human being in everyday life, being a mother, a stay at home mom, a recovering drug addict, and literally whatever else happens to move me that particular week. I really hope you will come along with me on this journey. Like I said, I do not know where it will take me, but I promise it will be worth reading. Leave some comments if you want, suggest something you might want me to write about or just tell me your thoughts on what I have written. Writing is my passion and it has been since I was old enough to do it. Along the way, I hope I will become better at it because I do have a lot worth saying, I just pray there are people out there who want to read it.